Alright so here’s the deal, life in Los Angeles is tough. I came out here, almost six years ago, to pursue my dreams. I had an idea of what my struggles would be, but I had no idea it would be this hard. Like-NO clue! By this time I figured I’d be settled in and on my way, but I’m not. The cold hard truth is I’m struggling. I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck this whole time. It’s wearing thin on me.
In order to ensure that my bills are paid between bookings, I’ve been working for Postmates. I’m embarrassed to even admit that I basically run food for people anywhere from 5-10 hours a day, six days a week. I drive between fifty to one hundred miles a days. Because I’m a pro at overthinking, being stuck in a car for those amounts of hours, on a daily basis, has gotten to me. Crying in my car has become more frequent. I’m tired. Tired of struggling, tired of chasing. I want to give up. I so desperately wish this wasn’t my calling. Why couldn’t I have been called to do something easy? Why must I walk a path that is hard for every single person who walks it. Why? I ask why?
I spiraled into depression a few days ago, shutting out all who love me. I was angry! I was mad at where I’m at. Upset at my reality and where God has me. Then, falling deeper into depression because I know how privileged I am; who am I to complain when I have running water, food when I’m hungry and a damn roof over my head? Who the hell am I to stomp my feet like a child! To rage against God because things aren’t going my way… because I’m uncomfortable! I was broken.
I don’t understand why God has me here, I don’t understand what He’s teaching me and I don’t understand what His plan is. I am standing at a cross roads. There aren’t two or four roads, there are hundreds and thousands of ways to go. I stand here, clueless! I can only see one foot in front of me, enough to take a step. I am scared. I tremble as worry fills my mind. I have no clue what I am doing or how long this season will be, but I am thankful to God for giving me hope.
In the midst of my struggles there have been tremendous blessings, huge victories! But I lost sight of all that. I couldn’t pretend I was okay anymore. I couldn’t be the usual me, positive and happy. I hit a wall so hard it left me flat on my ass. I didn’t have the strength to get back up. I didn’t want to get back up! Why should I? So I could go through more hardships? Being an adult is rough yo! Taking responsibility for your own life and dealing with consequences to your decisions can be overwhelming. I am in awe of how Christ loves me through all of my doubts, sins and worry. I am thankful for a God that loves me unconditionally. For a God that gives me hope and peace.
I share my pain with you in hopes that it shows you that we are all going through it, at some point in time. We are all human. Even when this season is over, there will be more just like it (in terms of hardships and growth). That’s okay. It’ll be okay. Even when I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I got through it and so will you.