A DAY IN SOLITUDE

EagleGood-bye boyfriend, good-bye phone, good-bye mom. I needed a day for myself. Being in a state of worry and confusion was driving me crazy. Why have I been so emotional lately? Is there a way to get me out of this funk? Instead of continuing to cry and complain about it I needed to try something new. I needed to step away from all of the noise and center my self on Christ.

So, that is exactly what I did. I threw my mini backpack around both shoulders and started walking-fast- up Fryman Canyon. I wanted to get to my special place. After ten minutes, I went off trail pumped to have alone time. I heard a loud truck in the distance. The higher I climbed the louder it got. Once the ground leveled out, there it was, a huge truck, half-way up the canyon. I had a brief moment of “bratiness.” Why was this truck doing construction on the day I needed piece and quiet. Oh, because it’s not about me and the world doesn’t revolve around Christine’s feelings. Right-got it! Maybe symbolism for my life? It’s not always about me. Check.

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EMBRACE THE FEAR

“Embrace the fear, trust the love.” This phrase has been tugging at my heart since my partner, in life, texted me this two days ago. It keeps echoing in my mind, looping around like an intoxicating song on repeat. I’m in love with how powerful and true this statement is. However, I’m terrified to live it. To wholeheartedly embrace fear and trust love.

Being a free-spirit is a part of my blueprint, it is how God has made me. If I’m restricted in any way I feel clostophobic. You can say I have some control issues (we all have our problems, that’s just one on my long list of flaws). Anywho, I’m a risk taker. I am always up for a challenge. But, lately I’ve been having a harder time embracing the fear. Maybe it’s a phase, maybe I’m jaded or maybe it’s because I am climbing up the age ladder; I’m going to say it’s a combination of the three. It’s becoming harder to be as carefree with my life. But, I don’t want the ideas of what society and people have placed in me to push me into a direction I don’t want to go. No! I might be scared, but that’s the beauty of it. When you embrace fear, it’s scary. You are, by definition, embracing an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. Umm, yeah–that doesn’t sound too fun. But let me ask you this. Are you willing to live a safe life with a huge probability of regretting it all when its too late? I refuse to take that kind of risk. Every day is a blessing. Every day we wake up, we have a chance to make it all worthwhile.

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THE “WHAT DO YOU DO” QUESTION

I found myself frustrated when asked this question, last night, at a conference. It’s a vague question that gives people a superficial look at what you do to support yourself financially, how they can judge you–based on what you do–and if you are worth their time, all dependent on how you answer this opening question. I can’t be upset because I was at a conference where that is a common question people ask, in order to connect, on a business level. It’s all apart of networking. 

I was bummed out I didn’t have a better way to answer the “what do you do” question. I was frustrated with my short and boring answer “I’m a writer and actor,” –which had absolutely zero insight into who I am, on a deeper level. I felt judged when the lady seemed unsatisfied with my answer. How could I blame her? 

Don’t you get frustrated when you find the perfect way to answer something, a whole day later, when it’s too late? Yeah, I think we’ve all been there. I now wish I shared a piece of my heart and what I am passionate about. There is beauty in being open and vulnerable. You get an opportunity to share a piece of yourself with the world, one person at a time. I have definitely learned a valuable life lesson and will, next time, say something along these lines, “What do I do? Well, I’m a person who spends my days desperate to build a relationship with Jesus and I get the pleasure of sharing my heart through writing and shinning a bright light in a very dark entertainment industry. I get to do what I love, every single day.” In turn, I’d hope to have a powerful conversation based on passion and truth. 

It’s thrilling to learn something new. To take a step back, ask questions and trying to figure it out. I’m realizing the importance of asking myself “why am I frustrated or upset right now?” I’m digging deep, finding out how I can make things better; how I can, essentially, be a better person to others as well as myself. Life is filled with opportunities for growth. So, I will try to take things a little less personal and see where I’m at fault-where I stand in the equation. I need to focus on how I can do good, in His name. It’s not always about me. It should be less about me and more about how I can shed love and light into others lives. 

Oh, the ego. I feed mine every day. I spend way too much time concerned about myself. I pray for a change in me! I pray for God to shift my focus onto others. If I truly live in faith then I’ll let go of all my worldly concerned, worries and doubts following Christs lead, sharing His good news–being led into a life He has planned for me. I know, very well, that I am human and can never be perfect, but I can strive to be better in His name, daily. I can pick myself up when I have fallen. And, I can fall to my knees when I have risen. I am a soul who is desperately clinging to Christ, the best way I know how, in this flesh of mine. 

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