Questioning God after Haiti

Female missionary doing God's work with curious and happy Haitian kids

It has been quite the journey since my last post. My intention was to share my entire Haiti journey with you all. I desperately wanted to give you a taste of each thing I was experiencing; but, I became too involved. There was no way for me to dive as deep as I did without disconnecting from the social network realm. Every day I’ve had an urge to express the depths of my world and soul. I have felt an obligation to reconnect to this space I have created.

Sometimes you need to step away to gain a fresh perspective on things. That’s what this was, a way for me to step away from it, to enhance my understanding of this world. Through that process, I broke down. I lost control before I could grab hold of the wheel again. Now I’m on cruise control ready to switch into a higher gear.

Because I have become more raw and vulnerable with my writing, at least I’d like to think, I couldn’t expose an aspect of what I was going through recently. A subject too sensitive to expose online. I am all for bleeding my emotions into my art, but never to a point where I become insensitive to the feelings of others. I was hurt, confused and in over my head. I questioned God. “Why do You think I can handle this, I can’t. Why am I here?” I spiraled. It started to become emotional cancer, growing inside of me. The harder it got, the more distant I became with God–unintentionally. This isn’t typical for me. I tend to draw closer to Christ when I am in the thick of a storm, this time was different. And, this time was harder. There was no way I could solve my problems leaning on my own strength. I tried and failed miserably.

The moment I became aware of the distance I had created in my relationship with God, everything changed. I could handle it. With the strength of Christ I can handle anything thrown my way. He will not forsake me. He will not put me to shame. I got on my hands and knees, I opened the Word, I cried out to my Father. He was there, like He always is–waiting for us. Waiting for me. There is such shame when you know you’ve hurt someone you love. Why? When you know better? Well, because I am human. Since I am human that means I am prone to f–kin’ up. I wish I could be perfect for Christ and perfect for others, but that’s a silly thing to chase–perfection. No, no. I will never be that. None of us, except Jesus Christ himself, is free of sin. I need to stop beating myself up. Telling myself I’m not good enough or strong enough. I am. Simple put, I am.

It takes a bit of courage each and every time I find myself here, writing these words. I am scared of the judgement. I am scared no one cares. I am even more scared if you do care. Fear sits at the pit of my stomach, right now. It would be ideal for me, in my own eyes, to write how fear has had no hold on me, I’d be lying. It has; but, only for little while. Through the grace of God I have been able to acknowledge that fear, dwelling inside of me, and telling it to scram.

I recently shared on Facebook that my greatest achievements have been the moments I took the biggest risk. I rejoice in the fact that I can have that understanding of myself. I can look back at my life, reflect and see the driving force. To dig deep and see what stretches me. To dig deep and find my true happiness. To learn to understand myself as well as others. It’s a fascinating stage to be in. I quite enjoy what’s happening to me. I am excited to see how my life will unfold and the glorious things God will show me and the incredible places He will take me.

 

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