Lately I’ve been wrapped, so tight, in a cloud of worry and anxiety, there is barely room to breathe. I felt suffocated and misplaced. There’s a theme question being asked by people who are near and dear to me: “So what’s the plan?” Since I’m a free-spirited artist, this usually means: What’s plan B? When are you throwing in the towel? All because I’m not financially stable and haven’t booked any modeling or acting work, consistently, in a while. Because these are people who love me and I them, I can’t pretend this doesn’t affect me. It does. It cuts deep and makes me doubt my abilities. It makes me feel like I have run out of time, at the ripe old age of thirty.
I was out for the count. It took me days to get out of the funk I was throw in by insecurity. My first instinct was to pray. I did. But, what God doesn’t want me to do is sit on my ass waiting for Him to place things on a silver platter for me. I decided to browse the internet for some clues. I came across this informative article by Kathy Caprino: A Surefire Plan to Figure Out What You Want. I went a step further and took her free Career Assessment Test..What made this test different from the others? She asks the right questions, you do the hard lifting. Remember: it takes a bunch of little steps to get somewhere. You can jog, run, sprint, walk, crawl; whatever suites your needs. Just move. Do something! If you find yourself unhappy, like I was, assess your life. Sit down and figure out what will bring the joy back.
Kathy’s assessment test helped me to remember some of the things that brought me to life when I was younger, like sketching. I used to tag names in my notebook, on the train ride to high school, in Queens. Graffiti can be very inspirational for city peeps. It helped me clear my mind. People would often hover over me. From time to time, I’d ask what their name was, tag it and hand it over.
I never created art for attention. I created art because it was a form of expression and release. I miss that! And, I must tell you about another source of inspiration for me: “Magic Lessons” Podcast by Elizabeth Gilbert. Liz speaks about the creative process and fears that hinder us. Being able to listen to successful people chatting is a gift! I’ve been thinking about the benefits of a mentor and wish I had one, but I don’t. So I must do what I can with the resource that I have. Again, I can’t sit on my ass expecting anything to change, I must take action. We must take action if we want to accomplish things in our life. If we want to fly to great heights, if we want to push boundaries.
As you might gather, I am not longer in a funk. I am no longer suffocating. I could still be in that hole, drowning in self pity, but what good is that doing? “We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back the soonest is the most progressive. C.S. Lewis. We go through phases in our lives, that’s never going to change. It will never always be bad or always be good. They swing back and forth from one another. We can get stuck in one place for a little longer than we’d like, usually the bad side. Know this, no matter how bad things might seem or feel, there is good. You can choose good. You can make an about-turn like Lewis says. It might take a little time to get to the other side, but you can. You just need to be proactive about it. I encourage you to take a step or leap forward in the direction of joy. Find the joy in your life, right now.