Good-bye boyfriend, good-bye phone, good-bye mom. I needed a day for myself. Being in a state of worry and confusion was driving me crazy. Why have I been so emotional lately? Is there a way to get me out of this funk? Instead of continuing to cry and complain about it I needed to try something new. I needed to step away from all of the noise and center my self on Christ.
So, that is exactly what I did. I threw my mini backpack around both shoulders and started walking-fast- up Fryman Canyon. I wanted to get to my special place. After ten minutes, I went off trail pumped to have alone time. I heard a loud truck in the distance. The higher I climbed the louder it got. Once the ground leveled out, there it was, a huge truck, half-way up the canyon. I had a brief moment of “bratiness.” Why was this truck doing construction on the day I needed piece and quiet. Oh, because it’s not about me and the world doesn’t revolve around Christine’s feelings. Right-got it! Maybe symbolism for my life? It’s not always about me. Check.
My happy place, on this trail, is under a tree. I monkeyed my way to a thick branch, sat and looked into the distance. The mostly naked branches blocked the sun from my face, but allowed me enough space to see houses tucked into the canyon, surrounded by plush green trees– a sight I am familiar with. I never tire of this place. I positioned my face towards the sun so I can feel its warmth on this brisk day. As my eyes lay shut I took several deep breaths, in and out, in and out. Peace, joy and love filled me. This is what I needed, peace and quiet. I opened my eyes, there was a middle aged woman with blond hair and a hat to my left. She was standing there, looking into the distance, having her private moment, too.
I walked down the Canyon refreshed and recharged. Before hitting the bottom, half-way down the trail, I stopped at a bench. I spent roughly twenty minutes reading the book of Ester. There were no branches or leaves to protect me from the sun, so I bolted after my spiritual read. It started to become clear that this is what I wanted and needed, time to myself. Time to reflect and gather my thoughts. Time to stop and listen to what God has to say.
I have this hindering idea that packing my schedule means I’m doing something with my life; It doesn’t. There’s this great quote from Henry David Thoreau, “It is not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?” And, that is my question; what am I busy about? I have this idea of my life and the goals I’d like to achieve: a successful blog, a published book, a solid career in film, more travel and a family. That is where my heart is. God has given me certain skills and I trust He will give me the desires of my heart, but I must first surrender to Him. I must walk down the path He has set for me. I want to do it His way, not mine. Because I have made this decision in my life, to lay it down daily for Christ, my life takes twists and turns-every single day. I get insecure because my life doesn’t look like I ever thought it would and I sometimes don’t know what to do with that. But, what I’m learning is to let go of those ideas. I’m learning to trust. I’m learning to not be consumed by fear. I’m not sure if I will ever master these things, but I will spend my life trying. I will spend my life surrendering to the Cross. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and when I come to the edge of a cliff, I must jump and enjoy the fall. I might not have a smooth landing, but as I picture myself, after taking that leap of faith, I look up at the edge of that cliff and am so thankful I’m not looking down in fear anymore. Not wondering and worrying what to do, but content I’m continuing on my journey.